Reluctant Resolve
by crimsonmaz
Summary: RayNeela. Ray's POV. Follows on from Think Twice. It's not really the end. It never is. A little nervous about this one, but hope you guys like it!


_Author's note: Anyone like Jeff Buckley (who is by the way a music legend in my personal opinion)? I listened to Mojo Pin, one of my favourite songs of all time, on repeat as I wrote this part of the story, and all the phrasing and fancy wording just flowed out of what I was hearing from the music. And the words of the song, (I've added the stanzas which struck me as being particularly relative so you'd know what I mean) well I just thought it had a sort of perfect connection to this relationship I'm trying to portray. I guess that my stories leave room for those little missing/cut scenes inbetween, which may or may not be seen in future. Hehe. We will see. It'll take me a little longer to get the stories out now since I've been rostered on to work more on my part-time job, but it won't stop me! I'm really glad you guys have taken such a shine to my stories. Even though I'd still keep writing them even if they were completely ignored, it makes me smile to know that there are people who are appreciating it. Much love to the readers for all their support! This is for you guys. Enjoy!_

**_  
Well I'm lying in my bed  
The blanket is warm  
This body will never be safe from harm  
Still feel your hair, black ribbons of coal  
Touch my skin to keep me whole _**

If only you'd come back to me  
If you laid at my side  
I wouldn't need no mojo pin to keep me satisfied

Don't wanna weep for you, I don't wanna know  
I'm blind and tortured, the white horses flow  
The memories fire, the rhythms fall slow  
Black beauty I love you so  
-J. Buckley/G.Lucas

These days leaving the hospital after a shift felt more like a burden than a relief. It was his only hope of seeing and talking to her, if only to give or receive instruction, sometimes exchanging the awkward pleasantries of mere acquaintances when the situation didn't allow for any escape. Even the mask of polite indifference she now wore in his presence was a bright light in his darkest hour. He had come to live by the fact that anything was better than nothing.

They were moving on. It was her wish. And he would obey, however unwillingly.

To acknowledge the truth was what he had asked of her and she had done it, momentarily. There was nothing left for him to do. Nothing else that he could say.

He had gotten what he asked for, but only ended up hurt in the end. That was the irony of it all.

She had come to him. He had at least that fact to hold onto.

It was all he had left.

That night their passions had brought them past the point of no return. Once they walked through his bedroom door, there was no turning back. No time for second thoughts.

The heat of their fused lips and the roaming of their hands left little room for coherence. And as each piece of clothing was removed to unveil the bare flesh beneath there wasn't a shred of hesitation.

That she was giving herself wholly had almost brought the unshed tears to his eyes. And as his lips skimmed the smooth expanse of her limbs, and explored the sinful planes of her body, the reverance which he paid was akin to worship.

A flesh and blood deity. His goddess. Just his.

And she had been his. For those brief hours of pleasure he'd never felt in any of his other mindless escapades. How he could feel complete with her like he'd never felt with the others, even those he thought mattered, was a mystery.

But time for reflection in that moment had been minute.

When she whispered into his ear, pleading with him, it felt like he was on another plane of existence. As he had stared into her dark brown eyes, bright with desire and something else he couldn't comprehend, it felt like he was falling into the unknown. And it was slightly disconcerting that he wasn't at all disturbed by such a revelation. He was the resident bad boy yet he always looked for the easy way out. But for her he would risk everything. Even his heart.

And now it was unnutterably lost.

But he didn't want to dwell on what couldn't be when his only hope of survival was to hold onto what had been. That one perfect moment when he felt like he had reached the highest level of nirvana as he finally connected with her in the most intimate of rituals. The pale contrast of his skin on hers, naked limbs entwined, his face buried in the sweet curve of her neck as he heard the music of her voice sing out his name over and over again like a prayer. That final exquisite release where he felt like he had gone out of all space and time to another universe where their time was endless.

Only his dreams took him there now.

She didn't leave immediately. She let him hold her as they silently gazed at each other in the aftermath. And she was still there when his eyes grew heavy and he finally succumbed to sleep.

The morning after was a memory he wished would get lost deep in his subconcious. But no, it was always a violent snap back into what he knew was a startling reality.

This is the first and last time - those were her exact words. He was left speechless as he watched her standing by his bedroom door, already dressed, eyes averted and giving him an explanation he could barely register in his stupor.

There was something between them, there was no use denying it, but she knew it couldn't go beyond their one night. Even if he thought she was living a lie, it was her choice and only her choice to make. He'd hold a part of her no one ever would, but that was all she could give him.

She had said it so calmly and quietly that he felt too helpless to argue even though he could feel some part of himself crumble at her words. The click of the door as she shut it behind her had a finality which even now he couldn't help but shudder at.

What was meant to have brought them closer together had inexorably torn them apart. The remnants of their tentative friendship were now reduced to shreds of detached civility. And sometimes that was worse than if there was nothing left at all.

Sitting in front of the window, staring aimlessly into the dark, starless sky was how he spent his nights now. Work, the band and everything else were just inconveniences he couldn't do without. Committments he couldn't break. Anything, anyone else paled in comparison to a committment that could never be made to be broken.

Second best was never what he wanted. But maybe he'd just have to settle.

For now.


End file.
